Slowly but surely I am recovering from my state of anxiety, sorrow and despair. One month ago, my first born and I hopped into my car, in order to move him to Spain for his studies.
On a Thursday morning beginning of September, the 2 of us started off after a very sad farewell from brother, father and girlfriend, towards the south of Europe. My sorrow started exactly at this time and is only slowly getting better. As we could not make the tour in one go, we stopped very close to the "Dune de Pila" in the French Aquitaine. A beautiful place and well worth a visit! ( I should write a travel article in a different post). When we arrived, the moon was full and golden in the sky and the air smelled different - actually wonderful - would there not have been this deep feeling of sadness. We left early morning next day, as we wanted to arrive at the University midday. The roads were empty and the landscape changed from Dunes, Pine forests to mountains and harvested yellow fields. Sometimes it felt we were driving through the African Veldt and across the globe.
Every time my son fell asleep, I could not hold back my tears, but made sure to have a smile for him when he woke up from his little naps that seemed to be escapes.
The little city north of Madrid, were he studies, welcomed us with sunshine and 28 degreed celsius. The hotel we booked during my stay was beautiful with the most welcoming people and even we had to wear masks all the time, the friendliness of the hotel employees and the University made the pandemic nearly forgotten. But it also felt like a last respite. I got to spend a last few days with my baby . After all was organised and the University started, I checked out of my little Spanish intermediate home and with an extremely heavy heart, I left him after breakfast on a Tuesday morning. What followed, were 2 days of loneliness in my car . Every time I drove though a "peage" on the Highway, it felt as if another door closed between him and me. The streets were mainly blurry from my tears and I was afraid that these sad feelings will leave a bitter taste to this in reality beautiful landscape and nature, I was driving through.
I have never been a helicopter mum ( I believe ) and would never have thought that it will be so painful to let a kid go and fly out into the world. All the pride how he mastered his senior year, applied completely by himself for Universities, took mostly the right decisions and grew into a wonderful man, could not help my feelings.
Back home, the side effects started. I needed to occupy myself, but how - as I just lost my job due to COVID.
I began handcrafting with inspiration from my bohemian mum. I started (or shall I say re-started) with Macrame, which I had done plenty of times with my mother. Back then, it were mainly plant hangers and owls:):)
I opened a shop on my webpage, knotted all day long and used this nearly meditative activity to let go.
Let go of my sorrow, sadness, anxiety and loneliness. At the moment, I have no more empty walls in our house to hang more.
Check out my work here if you like
And one thing is cristal clear - minimum right now. My little son, will study close to me:)
I am sending all mums that have gone through the same situation strength, resilience, love and happiness.
Would love to hear from you. We are all together in this.
Be Humble, Be Hungry, Be Happy
Yours,
Pe
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